Bullied

? so I peel my skin, and I count my sins,

and I close my eyes, and I take it in.

I’m bleeding out, I bleed out for you ?

BLEEDING OUT- IMAGINE DRAGONS.

Another morning and I’m still finding it difficult to get out of bed.

This nausea and fever is really getting to me.

Tossing and turning on the bed, trying to find a comfortable side but all efforts proved futile.

To my luck, school was cancelled today.

why you ask?

It’s been two months since the school’s football team had left and they returned last week Friday with second place.

Our position was due to Cole’s injury in the semi finals, but the school was proud of them none the less.

And to prove their pride, they called off school on Monday to organize and carry out a parade for them at night in the school’s stadium.

I on the other hand didn’t want to go for the event and now I have a good reason.

if only the reason wasn’t so uncomfortable.

Checking the time, which read eleven am prompt, I decided to go to the nearby clinic that is just few blocks away.

Getting out of bed grudgingly, and staggering like a drunkard; I entered the bathroom to clean up. Ignoring the dizziness lurking in my head.

Brushed my teeth and arranged my hair, willingly skipping the part where I shower because with my body burning up, I shouldn’t use hot water.

And cold water is gonna hurt like a bitch.

A pink T-shirt and black jeans seemed the easiest thing to find so I chose it.

I stepped out of my room and headed for the exit.

Dad and Mom are out so I’m home alone, which is a good thing. I’m actually not ready to explain anything to anyone.

Leaving the house and after making sure it’s locked, I get in my car.

With my last drop of adrenaline, I drove off.

:::::::

Right now It’s few minutes to two pm and I’m in the waiting room with my legs crossed and my fingers playing endlessly like there was an invisible piano on my knees.

The fever is gone but the feeling of disgust in my belly causing the puke has got to go.

A couple in front of me seem as nervous as I am.

why am i nervous?

why won’t i be? i could be coming down with something terminal and the fever could be a sign.

But the couple looked kind of scared. The man held a little girl in his hand like his life depends on it, while his wife just stared ather like she was surreal. But their baby was asleep.

That made me wonder how a true family was.

A little kid with no worries and parents who love her to death.

That’s how a family should be, that’s how my family should be, but it wasn’t.

“Miss Iris?” A petite nurse called me out of my thoughts.

“y-yes”

“The doctor would see you now” and she receeded into a door, Indicating I should follow and I did.

After a few steps from the door we entered, the lady pointed to a door on the left. With a smile she bowed and let me go on.

A short prayer and much good wishes from my heart, then I braced myself and opened the door slightly.

” Excuse me?” I called out to get the attention of the doctor.

“Is that Miss Iris?, come in” a woman with a broad smile and glasses on her face responded.

she’s happy means good news.

I changed my demeanor and let myself relax as I walked in.

“thank you” I piped up.

“Have a seat dear” she continued, gesturing to the seat across her, I obeyed the instruction.

not like i wanted to disagree.

” How are you feeling?” she asked me, still maintaining her smile.

“I’m good”

“and your stomach? any feelings?” now she has a serious mask on.

“I still have this weird feeling, but it is almost gone”

She nodded and began searching her drawer for something.

“The nurse took your vitals earlier?” she asked still searching.

“yes” a short reply to which she nodded again.

The curiousity is gonna kill me.

“uhmm… I hope it’s not something terminal, is it?” I had to ask, I wanted to die a natural death, not a really slow and painful one.

But she didn’t prove me right or wrong, she just gave a hearty laugh and took off her glasses.

“Depending on how you take it, but to me it’s not a terminal illness sweetheart” she said after containing her laughter.

That put me at ease and I smiled.

She finally found the file she was searching for and placed it on the desk.

“Miss Iris Shawn, you do not have any disease” I let out a breath of relief and she proceeded.

” but rather you’re two months pregnant. Two months and a week rather”

It took ten whole seconds for her words to sink in and I waited for her to say ‘sorry, wrong report’

But when she didn’t realization dawned on me.

Pregnant !

I’m pregnant !

Then it hit me,

And my world shattered.

How could I have been so stupid.

The day Hunter had me, he wasn’t using protection.

And I forgot to check it out.

For two months, Two whole months.

And I was stupid not to have remembered to get checked.

The vomit?, the drowsiness?, the heavy feelings?

I had a baby growing in me and I was oblivious.

I was pregnant with Hunter’s baby.

“Miss Shawn are you okay?” the doctor called out to me and I had to blink twice to be sure it was reality.

I nodded and she continued speaking.

” Alright, the reason you’ve been feeling excessively weak is because your immunity is weak, but we’ve given you a medication to handle that and you can carry the baby safely” she hands me a paper with scribbles on it.

I collected the paper with shaky hands and she bids me a goodbye with a smile on her face again.

I walked out of the office staring at the paper that held the results to my tests.

And she wasn’t lying.

%%%%%%%

I didn’t go home after the diagnosis, honestly I didn’t know where to go.

So I went to the park.

Sitting on the bench for the past few hours, I hadn’t come out with my phone so I couldn’t tell the time but the sun was long gone.

I’m looking at my image in the puddle of water directly below me.

I look drained.

I’d be surprised if I looked any different. The most events had happened to me in two months than the past years I moved here.

Lost in my head till a ball lands directly on my face in the reflection and splashes on my trousers.

I got out of my mind to check out the source of the ball.

“I’m swowie” a little girl not more than five stood near where I was seated.

“I’m swowie, my bally slipped” she couldn’t even look me in the eye while talking.

“it’s okay” I said softly and picked up the ball.

“here” giving her the little red ball.

“sorry about that, Leah did you apologize?” A lean man walked up to us, not looking above forty five.

“yes daddy” she took her ball from me and apologized once more.

“don’t worry kid” I smiled at her cuteness and good manners.

“she apologized, there’s no problem” I told her Dad as I got up.

it’s time to go home anyway, this was just a notification.

“hope we didn’t disturb you?” he asked me with bother in his eyes.

“nope, I was about leaving anyways. Goodbye bye Leah” I waved to the little girl as I started walking.

“bye stranger” she shouted back.

I couldn’t help but laugh. She’s a lovely kid.

Am I ready to train a kid like her?

I’m broken, what could I possibly give to her aside from hurt.

I can’t even give her a father.

The moonlight is prominent on the gravel pathway to the parking lot.

As I walked, I thought of the possibility of making it with this child.

It was zero to none.

The parade is to have begun by now. It’s already dark. Hope they have fun.

But as for me, I have something else in mind to do.

Then I found my car, and drove away.

^^^^^^^

The light on the porch is a clear symbol that someone is home. But that won’t stop me.

I parked my car and rushed out to the door.

Swift knocks and my dad answered the door.

” uh… how you doing kid?”

the least i owe him is an answer.

my last answer.

“I’m o-okay”

That’s not meant to sound shaky. It’s my choice isn’t it?

He seemed really shocked that I replied, and that’s a good thing. I gave him a moment to remember.

My mom too stood still in the living room with awe written all over her face.

But it’s good they didn’t push it by asking more. That, I would not gratify with my response.

I pushed passed his frozen figure by the door and ran up the stairs, to my room.

I left the door wide open so they can find me if they please.

After pacing round my room, looking at every single thing that had kept me to this point, I felt defeated.

My pillow that hid my tears, my bed that cleaned my blood, my windows that refused to deprive me of oxygen no matter how miserable life became, my mirror that beheld my broken images for years… but never stopped showing me a good side to live for.

Then I did what I felt I had lost the ability to do.

I started crying.

Slow drops fell from my eyes as I looked at myself in the mirror.

That girl that wanted to be a world famous entrepreneur is nothing but a ghost.

a walking dead.

Life had done it’s part, and now it’s my turn to complete the journey.

I opened the drawer to my closet and found a box of razor.

I looked at the razor still contemplating my decision, but all thoughts bound to I have no use living.

I picked up the box like it was the fragile one and not me. Slowly removed its content and held it between my fingers.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

My brain giving me every reason to go ahead. I abandoned everyone I know because I didn’t need them. Because they didn’t help me.

Clement, Meredith, Mom, Dad,

Megan.

Am I doing the right thing? They apologized but I still locked up my heart.

What of the baby?

When it’s born, life would be miserable for her just like mine. She would have no one for her. I can’t even promise that I’ll be there for her.

She won’t even have a father.

i can’t do this to her.

If she’s never born, she will never know what it feels to be alone.

To be hurt.

This is the right thing to do.

The doorbell was rang and I saw it as a sign to finish what I had started.

I pressed the blade to my wrist and squeezed my eyes shut.

I’ll make this quick.

Tears dripping from my eyes to my upheld forearm marking the area for incision.

three….. , two……,

And it happened.

I ran the blade from my wrist all the way up to my elbow, and made the cut as deep as it can be.

The line mark hurts like a deep pinch but I ignore the feeling.

Leaning my back against the wall, I wait for the effect to kick in.

More doorbells and I’m beginning to think it’s my hallucination signalling my time up.

A light headed feeling makes its way to my head and I slide down the wall. Every single thing turns into a blur before me while I hear voices approach my door.

My eyelids close in final submission to my will, everything going black. Air eventually gives up on supplying me and I don’t fight against it.

“OH MY GOD !!… IRIS!. JESUS CHRIST SOME ONE HELP!”

That scream was loud enough to knock me conscious.

“Iris please, please don’t do this to me, Iris wake up please, anybody” the familiar voice came nearer and was shaking my almost limp body vigorously.

“Iris open your eyes, don’t give up on me!!”

too late i had already given up.

but I obeyed the command.

i opened my eyes.

I opened my eyes and came face to face with a girl that I learned to love long ago.

Megan.

“Iris I’m here, please don’t leave me”

she was crying.

But I couldn’t stop her. I can’t even stop myself.

“Dylan help me!!, DYLAN !!”

But I was already gone. All I can say is I was a human. A human that did nothing to benefit this world.

But I was here. I lived and I loved.

With that thought I watched myself bleed out.