COLD TRAP

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The last few minutes was me getting ready to commence surgery. I scrubbed, put on my gloves, sterilized the surgical tools I’ll be needing, checked Matteo’s blood pressure and Airway to be certain that I’m on the green side.

Pretty decent, and it’s time to go big or go home.

I clean Matteo up

Good.

“I need O Negative blood available, we need to commence blood transfusion. He’s obviously lost a lot,” I say to no one in particular but Pablo speedily leaves the room to go grab as many blood bags as he can.

“Matteo, make sure to stay awake, talk t o me if you have to but don’t you dare go to sleep until I say so.” My voice stern as I stick the electrodes of the electrocardiograph machine on certain parts of his chest and arms.

an extremely strained manner when I go in with a surgical knife and make an opening around the area “Are you bleeding?” Matteo grunts in a he got shot. I scoff. “No. it’s all you, husband.” I answer as I continue making very little progress with the surgery.

Matteo attempts a scoff but grunts instead, “you are beautiful. My blood looks perfect on your skin. If I wasn’t so f u c k d up, I’d be f ck i ng into your s s y relentlessly like my life depended on it. I genuinely laugh at his remarks and I know if I looked in the mirror right now, I’ll very well be burning red.

“I’m flattered,” I simply answer and my eyes widen. “There’s a sign of hemorrhage,” I panic. Why me? “We’ll take care of the internal bleeding before we take out the bullet. Maxwell? I need you to relentlessly pump that blood into him, don’t go slow and don’t stop, do you understand? His life might very well be in your hands right now.”

About forty five minutes into the surgery I believe and we’re still at it; didn’t expect it to be this difficult. Matteo is pretty much stable which is a good thing although he’s said a lot of crazy things that has me laughing my lungs out. Must admit, I love the distraction but it’s too distracting.

I go in with the screw type bullet extractor and carefully turn the handles to lengthen the screw. I’m successful at piercing the bullet but I fail at being careful enough when pulling it out. A f c k i g mistake. Jesus.

His

s blood gushes out with force that it splashes all over my face and gets into my mouth even. I gasp and stumble back as my hands begin shaking uncontrollably.

Everything and nothing is happening all at once and the only thing I can hear is the electrocardiograph machine beeping uncontrollably. somewhat indicating that Matteo’s heartbeat is no longer normal and his blood pressure has risen to its all time high. But I’m unable to move. I blink rapidly and try to shake myself out of the shock but nothing seems to work.

“Mamma! Please don’t close your eyes. I’m right here. I’m putting enough pressure on it.” I cry out as I tightly hold my palm against my mother’s neck to stop the blood that’s gushing out uncontrollably.

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Yo Yo

12:35 Fri, 21 Jun tid.

Blood splatter all over my face.

My mother moves my hand and nods to me, urging me to let her go. Begging me to let her misery come to an end.

More blood splatter

I feel strong arms gripping my shoulders and shaking me up but I’m standing still with my body shaking and my mouth agape as tears stream down my face. I gasp aloud when a slap is delivered to the side of my face. “M-Matteo?” I stulter like a person who just awoke from a slumber. Tears spewing uncontrollably from my eyes.

“Get a grip of yourself and finish what you started. You’re doing so well. Don’t be dismayed.” Maxwell encourages me and I nod as I wipe my tears off with the back of my palm,

“Put him on the fucking ventilator,” I scream frantically as I turn on the defibrillator and attach the pads to Matteo’s chest.

I step back and wait.

The first shock comes and there’s no sign of life.

F u c k. I shudder and throw up in my mouth.

The second shock comes and there’s still no sign of life. At this point Alessio’s eyes have killed me a thousand times in different ways.

I resume chest compressions and Pablo continues pumping blood into Matteo so relentlessly that i suspect his fingers might fall off.

Do they really care that much for him?

Matteo’s fingers finally

move the slightest bit and the beeping from the electrocardiograph machine normalizes. Fucking finally.

I resume the surgery, I speedily take care of the bleeding and stitch him up. When I’m done and confirm that he’s all good, My hands instinctively clutch onto my chest and give it a light squeeze. I let out a breath I didn’t know I’ve been holding in and that’s all it takes for me to crumble.

My l ands flat on the ground and my head buried in between my knees as I sob. My body shakes vigorously as each s o b wracks through

me.

It’s unnerving, having a panic attack while performing surgery on someone. Blacking out and beating yourself up for a life you couldn’t save while someone else’s life depends on you.

Standing up for one hour while trying to save someone’s life even when you have zero

fications.

I s o b more and two arms wrap around me. I’m surprised when I raise my head up to find Alessio squatting beside me and hugging me. Comforting me.

“Alessio,” I croak and throw my arms around him. “Shh, it’s okay, you did good. Thank you, Really. Grazie. You have no idea what you’ve done for us.”

I hug him tighter. Alessio thanking me means a whole lot to me and I’ll bask in the satisfaction it brings.

“Go clean up,

we’ll finish up here.” Pablo states and I smile at him. I don’t know why, but I feel some type of connection with Pablo.

This is it; I’ve done my part, fingers crossed Matteo wakes up in a short while. This might just be the change I’ve desperately sought.

YoYo

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