Running Into Figure Six

I unlocked my phone and started to send a text to my boyfriend, after breathing in and out twice. I pretended like i wouldn’t give a damn about whatever he would say, but I really was dead scared he might break up with me.

He had threatened to leave me once, while my dad was still alive- I can’t remember what my offence was- and I had apologized like crazy, and promised him I would try my best to be a better girlfriend, if he would just give me another chance.

I was going to live with the guilt forever if he did break up with me this time- the guilt of leaving him alone in California and starting life somewhere else on my own, without exactly carrying him along.

I really wouldn’t take that if Gerald did that to me. Truth be told.

I was going to scratch open the wounds from my grief too.

No one would give me long tight hugs or tell me how gorgeous and amazing I- or my butt- looked anymore.

No one would call me to ask about how work is going, and if i have had any breakfast yet. Or if I was faring well all alone.

Because Jessie is getting married soon, and we might not get to be as close as we were in our childhood, because life goes on, right?

And I was definitely going to get my panic attacks like a doctor’s prescription- one in the morning, one in the noon, one at night.

The list goes on and on. My life would definitely suck all over again, and I might end up in a bar every miserable day, purposely drinking the hell out of my life, and not giving two fucks about whatever bad guy ended up carting me away.

“God, I’m tired. I don’t know what I’m doing here but I can’t go back. You know I just can’t ” I soliloquized, trying to hold myself together.

The peace I badly wanted to get from my solitude never actually came yet .

Instead, my solitude drowned me into itself every day, sometimes leniently because it came with free meals and kind gestures from a stranger, and other times, it was just hell. Pure, undiluted hell.

All of a sudden, the empty space I called my apartment hugged me tightly, and everywhere felt too small to hold my thoughts. Sometimes, like that afternoon, it felt like the walls were closing in on me.

I would probably be talking with my neighbour now, about why I got drunk the other day, or he would be talking about how sick his mom was, but it was not happening, and so I felt so alone. Even Bella was not willing to play with me.

I decided to text all of my loved ones at once, and distract myself with their responses, positive or not.

Me to Jessie: Hey, bestest. How’s work coming along?

Me to Mom: Guess what? I made a friend and he’s the kindest ever! Oops, spilled the beans!?? , you have to roast me carefully about this, okay?

Me to Stephan: Give me some headlines, little bro. I miss you loads, I promise.

Me to Gerald: Baby, I am truly sorry about the other time. I know you are mad at me right now, but i wish you’d just trust me this once. Please don’t give me the silent treatment. Yell at me all you want; you have all the right to be upset about the whole situation. I love you, candy, and I hope you remember that.

Jessie replied first. ‘Got my first customer already but I am not opening up the confectionery until after the grand opening. Are you coming?’

Me: ‘Congrats, bestest. (Inserts three wink ? ? ? emojis ) Big win for us. I’m definitely coming- what are you talking about? Ending of next month, right?’

Jessie: Yassss. Can’t wait, Classy. (Inserts love❤ ? emojis) How’s you and Gerald?

As if Gerald heard his name, he sent back a text. My heart skipped six beats at once and I almost dropped my phone. So I went to lay on my bed

Candy?:”I love you too, my bitch. So make me stop thinking about ending us”

His response was not as bad as I thought it would be. He did call me his bitch sometimes. Not that it sat exactly right with me, but it was better than he calling our relationship off.

And my response was just as fitting.

Me to Candy?: What would you have me do?

Candy?: Be my bitch. Do anything I want you to do, love. That’s all.

The next thing that’d pop on my screen was a picture Gerald sent to me.

I knew what was in there without downloading it, and his video-call after, confirmed my thoughts.

I was not able to check Jessie’s texts because he didn’t let me do anything else other than talk to him, while he had his dick in his hands, and asked me to watch him wank.

It was the first time he’d ever do this, and I just couldn’t help but look, because it was what he wanted.

“I will be with you soon, I promise” he said right after jerking off. It did nothing other than repulse me but I masked it real good.

“All right, Gerald” I couldn’t bear to call him by his pet name after the image he just put in my head, by force and that would haunt me forever, and that I’d never admit to myself or to anyone.

When I checked Jessie’s texts later, I knew I would cry myself to sleep with everything that happened.

Jessie: ‘Girl, something happened close to my confectionery today.

… This guy was trying to hit on my first customer, after she bought a couple of cupcakes and left , and we had to go talk sense into him coz he looked like he really was going to take an advantage of her if we left them alone.

…

I don’t know, he kinda looks like your Gerald. He has the same dragon tattoo on his neck. I didn’t see his face coz he left as soon as my cleaner threatened to call the police.

…

Long story short, Classy. He’s your Gerald. My cleaner took a picture in case it might be needed later

…

Hey, babes. Are you okay? I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I will keep telling you as your best friend, and hopefully you get it before it gets too late- Gerald Hennessey is a freaking asshole who’s no good for you.’

She sent each texts five minutes apart. And I just lay in bed staring at my screen and unable to respond or react. Apart from the fact that I already knew Gerald to be a big, fat lying cheat, how the hell did Jessie know it was him?

I had never shown her him.

I was torn between calling him and matter-of-factly stating that he should kill the idea of visiting me, or confronting him with the accusation straight up.

He was definitely going to deny it. I decided there and then to not think about it or make a decision yet until the next day.

I think I’ll knock off for the evening and go to bed. I said to myself

I walked to my drawer and fetched my sleeping pills. I’ve always had them, and I took a whole lot of them from home. I just didn’t take them as frequently as I used to, because they seemed to have stopped working for me.

Setting Bella on my couch- the one in my living room, and locking the doors, I went back to my room to lay down. I was going to play some music too so that the pills would work faster. Honestly if I did not that quickly enough, I’d do regrettable things. I’d totally lose my goddamn mind.

Vibing to the sonorous, reassuring voice of Mia’s Mountains And Hills, my mind started to gradually carry itself away. I could not help re-reading Jessie’s texts in my head. I could not wipe off the image of my boyfriend’s wanking either. It was too much, way too much.

Trying to distract myself by arranging the stuff my neighbour got for me didn’t help either. I was either flinging them or squeezing them in my palms.

He was going to see the mess I made of everything when he got back, and if i didn’t do anything about it.

“Damn it!” I yelled, ruffling my hands through my hair. I badly needed a hug. No, i needed more than a hug- maybe a reassuring kiss, a way out.

Anything that’d take those images away, instantly. A freaking way out. I literally didn’t think i could pull through that night on my own.

Mia’s song was helping, just not so much, because my mind was choosing not to listen. I was just making do with lyrics already ingrained in my mind.

It talked about how mountains and hills will never give way except we climbed it, or over it and continued our journey. It talked about how descending was way easier, and that ascending was a tad too challenging.

‘Get too tired of ascending but descending is running back to the hell you once was’

That line really fit my life and i knew I could never afford to descend, go back to my old life or give up trying to prove the world wrong.

“Clarissa, dad would be proud of you if he were here. That gotta be enough motivation for tonight” I soliloquized, sighing in betweens and taking deep breaths.

I honestly think people who soliloquized once in a while might find life a little less challenging than those who never did.

The vibration that paused Mia’s song midway jerked me out of my soliloquy. It was Rooney.

‘Mom’s stable for now. Doc’s administering meds’ My lips creased into a big smile that stayed there for many seconds. I literally smiled, genuinely.

It suddenly felt like my problem was not that big because his mom was getting better, and that meant that he would he fine.

That was weird, but it is what it is. If Rooney was happy, then I definitely would enjoy his kindness more often. With every help he rendered, it kind of made coming to New York, a little more interesting than it was scary.

‘You asleep huh?’

His next text reminded me that I was in the reality. One thing was sure about texting him- I was going to fall asleep, feeling good about myself. And that was a good thing.ConTEent bel0ngs to Nôv(e)lD/rama(.)Org .

Me:’That’s good news. At least I get to see you around more often. I hope she gets discharged soon enough’

Neighbour:’That’s a little selfish. What if I want to stay back here and watch over her for a whole month?'(Inserts ? a smirk emoji)

Me:’ Oops okay now, i didn’t mean to be selfish. Guess I just naturally suck at saying words that make people feel good (Inserts fake tears ? ? )

Neighbour: Are you okay? I was teasing you

One minute later- Clarissa?

Four minutes more- Hey, are you there?

I had already started to fall asleep at this juncture, so, I did not see the texts until he called. Lucky for him my ringtone could wake the dead or I wouldn’t have seen that too.

I truthfully told him I swallowed some sleeping pills, because I wanted to sleep over a problem, and he told me that we would talk about that whenever he got back. And then I switched off my phone because his last statement was the only thing I wanted in my head while I fell asleep.

‘Hang in there, Clarissa’