Secret Doors

Portia’s P. O. V:

Working with Sherlock made me feel like I am on a roller coaster ride. He’s always doing things that made me feel like a princess but that only makes me doubt his intentions and made me guilty when I am refusing him. My working environment feels suffocating now and tiring. I look at the view outside my office and think of all things happening these past few weeks.

It’s almost one month of an awkward life working with him and Aleksei. The night sky looks so beautiful with the stars above it. I remember the first time we watch the stars and the last time I watch the stars with Sherlock. That night was so painful that even now that I’m only reminiscing that day…

My heart is aching like it was stabbed a million times. Tears fell from my eyes as I remember that day. I throw little punches at my chest as I don’t understand why it hurt so much. Why I can’t afford to forget that day I saw him with Irene. Why do I feel the same feeling as I am feeling that day I left him?

I wiped my tears as someone enters my office. It’s Sherlock. His face is full of worries as he saw me. “Why are you crying?” He said and hug me. I detach myself from him and walk away. “I’m just fine. I’ll go home now.” I utter as my voice cracks at the earlier encounter. I walked out of my office and go straight to the elevator. I calmed myself by drinking water from my bag.

I got out of the elevator and saw Sherlock in the other elevator so I walked fast as I can. I saw him following me so I got out of the office as soon as I can to avoid him again but he manage to follow me. I tried to call for a taxi but it was three minutes away from me so I walked to get nearer but Sherlock runs towards me. He stopped me by reaching my hand.

“Hey, Portia. What’s happening? You can tell me.” I Sherlock asked with his caring voice. “I’m just fine Sherlock. I just wanted to go home.” I said. But he still holds my hand. I tried to get my hand off him but he make sure I can’t. “Let me drive you home, you are not doing okay,” Sherlock said with his worried expression. Will you stop playing like you care Sherlock? You are only making me hate you more.

“I said I am just fine you can leave me alone. Please just let me breathe.” I told him bursting out from him. I cried because I feel so irritated at myself for not moving forward, for not forgetting those bad things that happened to us. I snatched my hand from him and turns away from him. I started to walk away from him but he manage to follow me and went in front of me.

“Why do you keep on declining me, Portia? I just wanted to keep a good relationship with you.” Sherlock frustratedly questioned me. I look at him and gave him a laugh. “A good relationship? Why?” I sarcastically laughed at him. He holds me tight on my shoulder. “Okay, I know. I have done so many mistakes way back then but I just wanted to keep our friendship somehow.” He explains.

I just shake my head in disbelief. How could he casually tell this to me? “I’ll admit to you, I came back here hoping we can get back together. But as time goes by I realize we can’t even have a proper talk or proper settlement.” Sherlock told me which made me laugh hysterically. “Wow Sherlock, you are telling me that you want to get back to me? What do you think of what happened to us?” I sarcastically asked him.

“A fairytale? A drama where you can go back here and with one kiss I will forget everything that happened to us?” I continued and look at his head to toe. “It’s not like that I won’t get back to you like that because we are not on the movies we used to watch when we are together. This is the real thing. I am not coming back to you because I already moved on.” I proudly told him remembering Levi.

Sherlock pulled me closer and leaned to kiss me. I was shocked it feels like my world stopped for a minute. Those kisses are like before but I pulled out from the kiss. I won’t be fooled by those kisses anymore. “What the hell are you doing?” I slapped him out of shock. He holds his cheek right away. “Why did you slap me?” He was shocked by what I did.

“I was just trying to let feel the same kiss as before. I wanted to confirm my feelings.” He said that made me shake my head. “This is very wrong Sherlock.” I hissed at him as I am getting frustrated with him. “I already have someone who loves me and waits for me. So stop.” I stopped him from getting near me.

He bit his lip and backed away. “I’m sorry.” He apologized. “But can we at least be friends?” He asked me. “I don’t know Sherlock. I can work with you casually but friends?” I shook my head and turned away from him. “Let me breathe Sherlock just for once. I have loved you but I’m already tired.” I said before I walked out.

The rain starts pouring just like the day when I leave him. I didn’t mind the rain making me soaking wet as I’m used to this until someone share his umbrella with me and hugged me. I sobbed at his chest to let out all the feelings I’d been keeping for a long time. “Shh, I know whatever you are feeling right now is hard but you’ll get through it.” He said.

Erin hugs me and gives me warmth. “Why does it hurt so much even if I told myself I moved on.” I sobbed. “It hurts because you didn’t let go of the past yet.” He comforts me. He pulled away from the hug and wiped the traces of raindrops and my tears. “Let’s talk this out after we get you warmed okay?” Erin said and escorts me to his car. He made me hold the umbrella as he gets a blanket at the back of his car and wrapped me around the blanket.

We went silent for a while as he started driving. “May I have your address so I can drive you home safely?” Erin asked me politely. I smiled at his caring attitude. Erin is always gentle with me. I roamed around my bag and gave him my card. “There, you can find my address there,” I told him and he smiles. “Okay take your time. I’ll wait until you are okay to talk.” Erin answered me.Published by Nôv'elD/rama.Org.

I feel the warmth of his blanket and watch the busy street as Erin drives smoothly. The soundtrack playing in his car is very soothing and it made me feel sleepy but sad at the same time. That music feels nostalgic in my ears. It’s mom’s favorite Playlist. The rain added beauty to the busy scenes of streets and roads. The lights of the cars shine like stars in the sky.

“This blanket is so warm Erin,” I said after a long deadly silence. “It’s a gift from my mom. Maybe its warm because she made it.” Erin answered. “Are you kind of feeling okay now?” Erin asked throwing glances at me even though he was busy on the road. “I don’t know but the warmth makes me feel sleepy,” I told him. “Then sleep. Rest for a while, Portia.” Erin tells me. His voice is as soothing as ever that made me feel comfortable.

I once again focus on the scenery outside. Sherlock’s face flashes to the cars as we enter the forest of traffic. My tired heart and mind want to forget him. I looked at Erin who is busy driving how could he be so comfortable? The traffic lights made me realize I am wounded with a thousand cuts but I will be fixed like before.

If only I can go back to the time before these cuts are made. I’ll tell myself to be wiser and stronger so I won’t have to be this miserable and weak. I want to travel back in time where I can tell to Irene to back off things I didn’t do but made me thankful because I find my worth. But why does it hurt so much to accept the fact that I am betrayed by my own half-sister?

I let out a sigh at my thoughts and I feel that my eyes get heavier, Maybe because I cried. I tucked myself under the blanket which made me relax and before I dozed off my mom’s favorite song played.